Last week, I traveled to Flignitz Corporation headquarters, located on a beautiful campus near Cincinnati, Ohio, to attend the biennial “Big Road-Map Strategy” meetings for the Enterprise Software Division.

This was my first experience at the exclusive conclave, which gathers only the most obnoxious know-it-all technocrats, the least competent managers, and the most overbearing and narcissistic twits (I mean, rising-star executives) from Flignitz Corporation offices around the globe. Apparently, I fit into at least one of those categories.

I learned a great many things during those 4.75 days, spent mostly in medium-sized conference rooms, with inadequate ventilation and twice as many people as chairs. I got cramps from the contortions required to take notes on my encrypted laptop (paper was not allowed, unless you wanted to eat it before leaving the room). I got headaches from squinting at multi-colored scribbles and sprawling diagrams, which seemed to fill hectares of whiteboard on every wall in the room. And I probably got permanent brain damage, from prolonged exposure to the volatile solvents in dry-erase markers.

After slogging through tedious and mind-numbing minutia for hours on end, punctuated by occasional digressive tirades, I found myself yearning for the periodic “break-out” sessions. Those, however, entailed sitting in a much smaller and even more poorly ventilated room, with people who seem to have been carefully selected for their annoying (and odorous) qualities, precisely calculated to drive me even more insane.

So what are the take-aways?

One bit of insight: the more convoluted and irrational one’s position, the more likely it is to gain support, and perhaps approval by managers and executives. Generally, the most influential managers and executives are especially keen on bizarre and outlandish proposals.

The real key to success: complete and utter incompetence in creating a useful slide presentation (the longer, the better, and by all means, don’t forget to turn off that pesky spell-check). That will absolutely guarantee your rapid promotion, and a steady increase in salary.

And finally, a tip for those hoping to advance their careers at Flignitz Corporation: the time-honored practice of obsequious and fawning idolatry is particularly well received by the upper echelons of management.

~ Markus